funny
Quotations
Quotations on the topic of ‘funny’ from all listed authors (click on the ‘click to view listing’ links to view each quote in full).
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“Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.” -Henry A. Kissinger
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“Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.” -E. B. White
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“Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I’m afraid it did.” -Bette Davis
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“The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.” -Jay Leno
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“If at first you don’t succeed, blame your parents.” -Marcelene Cox
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“Until you walk a mile in another man’s moccasins you can’t imagine the smell.” -Robert Byrne
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“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” -Brooke Shields
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“We’ll love you just the way you are if you’re perfect.” -Alanis Morissette
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“I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.” -Samuel Goldwyn
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“Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.” -Samuel Butler
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“Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.” -Tim Allen
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“Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name.” -Milton Berle
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“I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.” -Billy Connolly
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“Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected.” -Robert Orben
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“If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.” -Hillary Clinton
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“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.” -Bill Maher
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“If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.” -Tallulah Bankhead
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“TV is chewing gum for the eyes.” -Frank Lloyd Wright
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“I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.” -Arnold Schwarzenegger
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“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?” -H. L. Mencken
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“Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.” -H. G. Wells
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“I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.” -Stephen Fry
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“Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you she is after your barn.” -Hesiod
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“The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.” -Phyllis Diller
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“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” -Rodney Dangerfield
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“Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.” -Luis Bunuel
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“When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.” -Jane Wagner
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“What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?” -W. Clement Stone
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“Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.” -Victor Hugo
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“I’m for whatever gets you through the night.” -Frank Sinatra
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“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.” -Steven Wright
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“The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.” -Bertrand Russell
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“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” -David Lee Roth
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“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” -Clint Eastwood
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“He taught me housekeeping when I divorce I keep the house.” -Zsa Zsa Gabor
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“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.” -Calvin Coolidge
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“I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don’t believe I deserved my friends.” -Walt Whitman
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“O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.” -Saint Augustine
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“In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.” -George Carlin
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“Never have more children than you have car windows.” -Erma Bombeck
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“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.” -Bill Vaughan
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“I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.” -Warren Buffett
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“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.” -Walt Disney
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“I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.” -Imelda Marcos
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“I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.” -Charles M. Schulz
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“All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.” -Groucho Marx
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“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” -Katharine Hepburn
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“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.” -Oscar Levant
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“By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.” -Mark Twain
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“Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.” -Joey Adams
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“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’” -Claude Pepper
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“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” -Douglas Adams
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“Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.” -Red Skelton
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“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.” -Oliver Herford
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“I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.” -Carl Sandburg
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“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” -Margaret Mead
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“The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.” -Natalie Wood
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“It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.” -Thomas Sowell
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“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.” -Winston Churchill
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“By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.” -Richard Dawkins
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“If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.” -Albert Einstein
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“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” -Benjamin Franklin
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“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” -Buddy Hackett
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“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” -Lana Turner
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