Mitch Hedberg
Quotations
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“If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.” -Mitch Hedberg
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“I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.” -Mitch Hedberg
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“Y’know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.” -Mitch Hedberg
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“I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.” -Mitch Hedberg
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“I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi circle.” -Mitch Hedberg
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“I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.” -Mitch Hedberg
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“Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.” -Mitch Hedberg
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“I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.” -Mitch Hedberg
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“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.” -Mitch Hedberg
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“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.” -Mitch Hedberg
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“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.” -Mitch Hedberg
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“I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.” -Mitch Hedberg
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“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?” -Mitch Hedberg
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“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.” -Mitch Hedberg
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“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.” -Mitch Hedberg
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“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.” -Mitch Hedberg
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“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!” -Mitch Hedberg
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