Steven Wright
Quotations
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“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.” -Steven Wright
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“I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking,’ but I don’t have that much time.” -Steven Wright
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“When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.” -Steven Wright
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“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.” -Steven Wright
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“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.” -Steven Wright
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“My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.” -Steven Wright
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“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’” -Steven Wright
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“I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’” -Steven Wright
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“Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!’” -Steven Wright
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“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.” -Steven Wright
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“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” -Steven Wright
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“I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.” -Steven Wright
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“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.” -Steven Wright
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“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’” -Steven Wright
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“I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.” -Steven Wright
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“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.” -Steven Wright
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“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.” -Steven Wright
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“I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.” -Steven Wright
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“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.” -Steven Wright
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