Demetri Martin
Quotations
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“I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.” -Demetri Martin
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“I like women, but you can’t always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog’s name and then I asked, ‘Does he bite?’ and she said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘So how does he eat?’ Liar!” -Demetri Martin
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“I like women, but you can’t always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog’s name and then I asked, ‘Does he bite?’ and she said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘So how does he eat?’ Liar!” -Demetri Martin
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“If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.” -Demetri Martin
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“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.” -Demetri Martin
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“Stand-up is like a row boat: it’s fun and romantic when you’re choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it’s not as enjoyable that’s survival.” -Demetri Martin
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“I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.” -Demetri Martin
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“And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I’m looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I’m on the right track.” -Demetri Martin
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“And of course I didn’t make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.” -Demetri Martin
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“I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then…
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“My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.’” -Demetri…
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“For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I’d come home and go to church and everybody would say, ‘Oh, my God. Demetri, you’re working at the White House.’” -Demetri Martin
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“I didn’t do improv in college, I never performed, I didn’t do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.” -Demetri Martin
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“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.” -Demetri Martin
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“I didn’t do improv in college, I never performed, I didn’t do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.” -Demetri Martin
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“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.” -Demetri Martin
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“The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who’s really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.” -Demetri Martin
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“But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.” -Demetri Martin
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“I like to use ‘I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter’ on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.” -Demetri Martin
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“But what I was going to say was, I just figured I’m going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.” -Demetri Martin
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“I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, ‘Looks like you’re writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you’ll get more money.’” -Demetri Martin
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“People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they’re very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they’re kind of hard to tell apart – especially if the human is kind of hairy.” -Demetri…
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“I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.” -Demetri Martin
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I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’ – Demetri Martin
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